Content warning: mental health, suicide, child abuse
In the year leading up to grad school, I had a thriving friend group, but it wasn’t healthy. I was into a guy who treated me like shit, and I canceled plans whenever he was available. I was friends with alcoholic couples who were all cheating with each other. I was a shell of a person — I changed everything about myself to fit in. I wanted to be liked so much, to be accepted in Utah. I had no idea who I was. I was a gay man trying to fit into the Utah mold.
But it all made sense to me. I grew up with an alcoholic father who treated me like shit, beat me, and violated all of my boundaries. In 2015, I didn’t have any boundaries left.
I moved away for grad school when I had no idea what I wanted in life, but I knew I was good at math. When I arrived, I was alone. I lived in an apartment by myself, and I knew no one. My friend group in Utah quickly fell apart. And I slowly lost touch with all of them.
I made new friends in upstate New York, and I had a new friend group. But again, I was into a guy who treated me like shit. I was friends with alcoholics who talked about me behind my back, teasing me for being different from them.
I chased after that guy and the fake friends. Until a real friend called me out for repeatedly canceling on them so I could chase after the asshole. They held a mirror up to me, and I saw what I was.
I was a liar. I was a fake. I had no boundaries. I changed myself to fit in with whomever I was around at the time. I had no values or sense of self. I was hurting others by being this way.
I was the same as I was in Utah. All of my problems followed me.
I realized I wanted to change. I wanted to be better. I didn’t want to lie to others and lie about who I was. I wanted to be honest.
It was hard. It was hard to overcome the fear of rejection and to tell the truth, to hold boundaries. I monitored my thoughts and actions all the time, watching out for when I wanted to lie. And as I did, I realized how I had been manipulating people by lying. I saw how I was like my father, who presented completely different personalities to those outside of our family. I hated myself.
And I still wanted to change. I didn’t want to be like this anymore.
I wanted to be better, to be honest and kind. As I explored this, I hated myself more and more. I didn’t know if I was worth keeping around, and I pondered suicide constantly.
Grad school didn’t last very long, and I soon moved to Colorado.
I kept working on myself. I didn’t want to chase after assholes, so I stopped dating. I didn’t think I was able to choose close friends or loved ones who wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be attracted to a healthy man. I didn’t trust myself to build healthy relationships with anyone.
I obsess over self-improvement now. I feel nervous that I’m not enough, nervous that I’m still manipulating people or being self-serving. I’m suspicious of myself. I speak honestly, but I apologize because, on some level, I still don’t think it’s possible I can be honest.
I guess I never followed up. I never checked in on my progress. I kept insisting I needed to change, I needed to improve, to do better. I kept focusing on this goal, but I lost the plot.
I started grad school over 10 years ago.
At some point, I started attracting genuine, caring, honest people, and they became my friends. Now I have a thriving friend group, and it’s healthy. They all love and respect me. I’m safe here. I’m honest, and I respect my boundaries with them. They see the real me.
My friends say I’m a giver. They say I’m a lover. They say they wish the very best for me. They don’t understand why I apologize. They ask why I’m apologizing. They don’t see anything to apologize for, they see no need.
And now I think to myself, have I actually done it? Have I really done the work?
Kindness is easy now. Loving comes naturally. I don’t lie anymore; I tell the truth.
So now, can I really stop worrying about this? Can I really stop micro-managing myself, monitoring every thought and word that comes out of my mouth?
The goal was to have values and stick to them. The goal was to be the same version of myself around everyone — the honest version of myself.
When I think about the life I live now, when I think about what my friends say about me, I realize I’ve done it.
I’ve achieved my goal.
I can let go.
I can just love myself.
I love the me you see today, and it’s the only version of me there is.
